SPLINTERS

Diamond claims she loves marks on her ass – though her pain tolerance is more of a ‘see how far I can fake it before crying’ experiment. So, because we’re all about mutual suffering here, we decided to upgrade her training session with some ‘artisanal’ discipline: carpenter rods, the kind that double as both sadistic tools and future firewood. The breakage factor? Just our way of adding a touch of chaos to the experience – nothing says romance like splinters in your skin.

I bought, like, a whole bundle of those rods, thinking that would finally be enough… but no. Diamond lost her mind faster than a politician in an ethical dilemma. She went full Berzerk Mode on my ass like it was her last day on Earth before the apocalypse. The rods shattered so fast, my cameraman had to suit up in full hazmat gear just to film us without losing an eye to a rogue splinter. Safety first, I guess.